girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
is it earth
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
You know…for fall…
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.