*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.