There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.