Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine