Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
OH. COME. ON.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.