Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.