GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise