girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I had to Stop for this
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Happy Taco Tuesday
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.