Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Kids: Stay in school.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.