If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.