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“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My favorite farside!!
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Worlds greatest photobomb
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
This makes total sense…
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.