@PerkyandSaggy

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

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@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?

@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@13spencer

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

@sixfootcandy

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

@SaeedFaridzadeh

No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.