*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

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“There is no such thing as a stupid question.” – person who has never walked my family through attaching a photo to an email.


Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.


ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me


I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]


a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head


I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.


Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.


Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.