[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
What if the weather talks about us?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous