[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.


Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.


Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.


HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.


I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!


[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No


If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.