I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed