Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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when you try to move in a video game but you accidentalyl have the chat box open
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.