Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.


when you try to move in a video game but you accidentalyl have the chat box open


[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]


My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.


I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick


When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.