Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
this post was so formative to me
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
How to draw a duck
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.