Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow