Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
You Might Also Like
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Happens to everyone.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.