Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My current situation
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that