Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

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Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.


Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.


Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*


“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.


Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.


I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.


Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like


“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*


Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”


the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying