Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey
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Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.
Let me slip into something more comfortable.
*climbs into a wood chipper*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Are you on Twitter?
No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.
That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying