[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Siri, fight Alexa.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.