GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything