I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever
Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.
Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
Bandersnatch sounds like an STD