GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.


Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash


ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.


“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever


Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.


date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*


Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.


Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?