GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Got ya covered
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.