@looktothepickle

Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..

*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!

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@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

@Mardigroan

*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”

@ClichedOut

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

@kanakhey

If yahoo! hasnโ€™t given up then why should I??

@ceejoyner

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

@SortaBad

John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

@Storminika

My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’

@Robert_Beau

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

@LlamaInaTux

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras