I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
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Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted