Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

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[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee


[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline


My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.


A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”


Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us


God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”


About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.


Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?