Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.