girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Autocarrot sucks!
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it