Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
welcome back
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.