@trojansauce

GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables

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@the_moonface

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.

@tweetsvisual

*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)

@Tuna_Lover

I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.

@existential_d

couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship

gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-

me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito

@ByYourLogic

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

@Benjamin4501

Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@Staggfilms

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

@WheelTod

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to