I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables
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*spills one drop of maple syrup
(entire house is sticky for the next decade)
I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.
couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship
gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-
me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to