Love is like a unicorn. I don’t have a unicorn.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“This tweet isn’t funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!” –me
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.