GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.