Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Dishonest mechanic?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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