Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

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“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.


1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours


Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”


[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme


{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.


*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared


[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.


Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.


Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.