Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here


People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS


ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?


Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”


I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am


Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…


Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.


Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable”