@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

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@fuzzlime

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@krispythehuman

A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.

Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.

@Grind_n_Roll

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

@Office_Dolt

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

@tracietom

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

@OrdinaryAlso

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it