Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.