@Hobo_Splendido

Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed

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@Home_Halfway

[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

@abbycohenwl

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@johnistoasted

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.