(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.