Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between


Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad


Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.


If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…


At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter


“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”


To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying


My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.


“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.