I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.