@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

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@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@ScreaminZeman

I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@InternetHippo

“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

@psybermonkey

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

@AaronFullerton

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.