Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is


I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.


Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?


“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too


“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.


Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.


Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night


OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”


– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.