Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Miscakes
🤔😂😂
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here