girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Uh oh…
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Before & after 😅
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.