McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.