Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

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Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor


If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU


VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine


BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers


Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:


*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*


Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –


Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.


Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!