Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

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How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.


My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.


Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone


Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.


Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.


Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go


I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”

Either it does or it doesn’t.



“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”