@The_Grant_Boldt

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

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@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@Thee1_4U

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.

@Starchily90

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

@AristotlesNZ

Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.

@OMGSoOverIt

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

@aotakeo

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

@iGreenMonk

I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”

Either it does or it doesn’t.

DON’T WASTE MY TIME

@JediGigi

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs