Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
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Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
me after eating Cheetos
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
why no one uses midhusbands
The Book. The Movie.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Finally
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*