Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Coffee is ready.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches