I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
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me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come
other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?
*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Wife: Let’s go outside.
3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.
Wife: Deer don’t eat people
3: The zombie ones do
Wife: Get your dad. Now.