GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Peace was never an option
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me: