@ThugRaccoons

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

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@hrtbps

“I have parrot-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

@Browtweaten

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

@chuuew

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

@thegayfarmerguy

The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.

@_ElvishPresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@Leslie_Annie

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.