@ThugRaccoons

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

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@yassinovic89

Women’s logic:
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

@MissHavisham

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

@tiemoose

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

@HumbleTeej

I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting

@ClichedOut

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@SaraMansford

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.

@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.