Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Oh we’ve met.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.