Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?


My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.


My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.


Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed


Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones


I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.


Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.


If I ever get the chance to reveal a chupacabra to the world, I hope I have the presence of mind to say, “Chupacadabra!”