Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Breaking news:
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see