[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

You Might Also Like


hey look!

*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*

how cool is thi ew why is it wet?

“dude, that’s a condom”


When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.


the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”


Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


Sounds like something just fell in my basement so I’m going to do the normal thing and ignore it for 4 years.


HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.


I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…