@mjkspeaks

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

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@KeetPotato

hey look!

*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*

how cool is thi ew why is it wet?

“dude, that’s a condom”

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@juju_742

Sounds like something just fell in my basement so I’m going to do the normal thing and ignore it for 4 years.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…