Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
You Might Also Like
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.