*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.