Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
“It has more sensors!”
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]