@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

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@Mom_Overboard

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work

@TheToddWilliams

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

@pizza_dragon

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

@ElleOhHell

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

@DannyZuker

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@Browtweaten

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

@bourgeoisalien

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]