GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
being a writer on Twitter:
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.