Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Meow?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming