Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope