@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

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@Bob_Heller

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@Rollinintheseat

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

@ShaunRightNow

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

@Reverend_Scott

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

@PJTLynch

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@thecrabbyhook

To avoid “the talk” I just convinced my 6yo that we got her from Amazon.

@PeachyPixel8

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.