My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
guys I’m going home
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.