@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

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@skepti_ghoul

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

@onascaleof1210

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

@AdamTheLobster

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”

@TheNYAMProject

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

@AverageCorners

My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”