Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”