@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

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@philmann

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

@FunnyBison

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

@canadasandra

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@1Happytwit

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

@RealSugarFree

Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.

@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

@iSamJack

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
machine.

@hippieswordfish

joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*