girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]



I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.


the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed


Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.


Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.


Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.


My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.


Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending


joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*