I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
#dnd #ttrpg
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo