girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Taking phone security to the next level.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Girl, same.
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.