@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

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@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@xxsomebunnyxx

The amount of people watching me put air in my tires in short jean shorts makes me think I should start a bikini car wash.

@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@GimmeDemTxTacos

Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?

@SufficientCharm

What do you mean you’re not going to spank me?

I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?

@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@scrappy_momma

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

@KevinFarzad

Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.

@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.

@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?