Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I have questions??
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
What flavor cupcake are these
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks