Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive


The amount of people watching me put air in my tires in short jean shorts makes me think I should start a bikini car wash.


Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.


Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?


What do you mean you’re not going to spank me?

I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?


Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.


At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.


Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.


I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.


Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?