@Home_Halfway

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@Jmboyd58

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

@BGH70

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents