GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that

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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!


Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.


My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.


This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.


The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.


I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents