laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Seas the day!!!!
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.