Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
black phone good
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no